HIDING AND SEEKING.. GOING DEEPER!
Of late, I’ve come to realise that perception of things really can be tested whilst in total darkness. Yes I too was one of those kids afraid of the dark. Yes, there were terrible things lurking – ghosts, monsters, boogie-man – and he was definitely out to catch me, every single night! The seed of thought was planted and my imagination ran wild with fear. The phrase was repeated and so the terrifying child-made thought of ‘being caught in the dark’ became a stagnant one and grew and grew into a permanent part of my reality as a young child.. because at age 8, who knows that they are capable of changing the mould/patterns into which they’ve become accustomed/grown?
So here alone in total darkness from 4am onwards, I can easily find ways to stress: with the dogs running ahead; with not knowing what I’m hearing; could be touching; what I think I’m seeing.. images can ‘all-of-a-sudden’ appear and I can almost certainly as a result, create a scenario that follows such imagery – with a scary moment worthy enough to freeze and just shit in my pants right then and there.. but no, that’s letting my imagination loose (being a kid again); allowing all those implanted bad horror movie memories to play over and instead I have to tell myself to stay sane and ‘nothings as it seems’.
The memory was planted enough times within childhood to create that ‘habit of fear’ and therefore has lived in the subconscious as a reality/truth since. Depending on how you grow (how you continue to hold onto ‘who you are as a child’) and whether you continue to use your imagination, it is totally possible to still live within such boundaries of fear and totally possible to create an even deeper psychosis around such ways of living. I mean, people are doing this constantly still today, without any knowledge as to why or what exactly they are doing.
Most of us, as adults now, have realised that was nonsense – the boogie man – never caught us and so it couldn’t have been true. This is a great concept to start with when having any fears: how long has it been going for and what will the outcome really be? Am I just a pawn in my own game of life, waiting to be caught because I am not worthier than the other players?
So I’ve grown somewhat over the last years, I can recall having some terrible fears within my 20s about going for things or stepping outside of comfort zone. I have had to definitely relive some nightmares in order to overcome the possibilities of such things never happening again. And it’s all brought me back to how I think, remember, replay, rely, change, or grow from such memories.
Which brings me to my interests in how we create, who we become and what we do with our thoughts. It’s all very powerful stuff and I just wanted to highlight how easy it is to ‘manipulate ourselves’ into getting caught by the boogie-man over and over every day if we continue to play the same game of ‘hide-and-seek’.
If we hide behind our fears, we will never get caught which is great… BUT! For how long is that really so great??? (comfort zone). We have to continue growing and if we keep hiding, we never get to seek the real life that is out there for us, or we never get found and end up stuck in the box, afraid to climb out because all we know is that box! As a child it not feel so good to be found after 5 minutes of hiding, hiding in your own thoughts of what if, when, why can’t I hear anybody anymore, how long has it been.. now I’m bored, or scared. I wanted somebody to ‘not find me but find me’ in order to show them my cool hiding spot, in order to then become the seeker as it was so much fun, looking, living, being alive! Maybe that’s why we subconsciously gave off clues as to where we were hiding?
So as you can imagine, there has been some interesting thought processes I’ve walked with, back down Memory Lane, during my ‘silent 4am morning mountain’ walkies with the dogs. It’s been interesting how its highlighted my sensory perceptions in all aspects: physically (seeing things), emotionally (feeling things), mentally (remembering things) and spiritually (believing things).
I am forever grateful for this opportunity and from this half-way mark, all pretty much downhill now.. 😉